Studying one-on-one, 24/7 with my first master teacher for four years was like being glued to the seat of a train with a one-way ticket to transformation and no stops in-between: I was going there whether I liked it or not.
Did I like it? No way. She catalyzed the absolute destruction of my world, bringing me face-to-face with the undeniable fact that my entire life was a lie, a sham, a facade. However, I was more committed to truth than I was to my own preferences so I got on that train and allowed myself to be skinned alive.
A powerful realization came out of those four years. To progress on “the path,” one must “try on” the possibility that everything they believe is a lie, all their fears are real, and all their critics are right.
One must spend intimate moments genuinely and earnestly contemplating concepts such as: “I am helpless in this world, I don’t create reality or my life circumstances, my dreams are worthless, co-creation is an illusion, control is an illusion, and life has no meaning.”
To Awaken, you must be willing to stop denying your limitations by using mantras and affirmations to cover-up your own humanity; affirmations that consist of concepts like ‘immortality,’ ‘super powers,’ and ‘enlightenment.’ To Awaken, you must deeply contemplate the reality of your limitations and experience your humanity fully to the depths of your soul to the point where you become so small and insignificant in the world that you feel unworthy of life itself. You must become so humbled that you cry out to God that you are like a helpless little child in need of direction… that you are not in charge and your life is not your own…
To Awaken, you must be willing to destroy everything you stake your life upon – your hopes and dreams, and your most cherished ideas and knowledge. Destroy it all, and see what doesn’t burn. Whatever you’re left with is Truth. The catch? Everything burns. They say awakening is like peeling away layers of an onion until you get to your “true self.” However, that’s not what happens. Awakening is like peeling away layers of an onion until you realize there is no end to the layers, the onion is infinite, and all layers are illusory… at some point you stop peeling away layers and dive into the depths of the core of the onion only to realize that there is no “true self” to discover… no self is true self.
This practice isn’t something I was instructed to do. It’s something that happened as a result of the questions my teacher would ask me. I had no choice but to explore all of my fears from every angle as if they were all true. Someone called me an asshole once. Was I an asshole? Let’s try it on. Okay, I’m an asshole. What does that look like? What does that feel like? What does that mean? To see if I’m an asshole I have to explore the possibility in a detached manner in the same way I’d explore the idea of whether or not I felt like getting my hair cut this week.
When you try something on, if it fits, it will dissolve after you experience it fully. If it doesn’t fit, you can discard it, and each time you’ll be one step closer to stepping out of illusion for good.
What are all the layers to my conditioning? Heck, I don’t know. Let me try it all on… give me a dictionary, I’ll go down the list of personality traits and behaviors until everything is either discarded or dissolved. When you get into this mode, your personality is pushed aside and something else takes over – something that doesn’t care if your ego gets wounded – something that can’t take things personally or be offended. It’s the burning desire to destroy what is false at all costs, even at the cost of everything you’ve built your life around.
You can try on everything into forever and it will be endless layers of onion… there came a time when I no longer needed to try things on – the initial process reached critical mass and catalyzed a chain reaction of self-destruction that lasted for several years. When something new pops up, I recognize it as illusion. The process of trying things on isn’t to figure out if you’re actually an asshole – it’s to show you that those labels and ideas are just a story, whether you’re trying on “I’m an asshole” or “I’m compassionate” it’s all the same bullshit. Eventually you see that part of the game for what it is.
Awakening… It’s not about gaining knowledge, it’s about discarding all knowledge. It’s not about achieving or maintaining higher states of consciousness, developing a more loving persona, being compassionate, making your life comfortable, learning to manifest wealth, developing super powers, or walking around in a state of bliss.
During the process of eliminating the false, nothing is sacred or spared; everything gets thrown into the crucible. As you tear down illusion after illusion in the world of form, you realize the illusions are endless like layers of an infinite onion. You realize you’ll never get to the center, so you abandon all the techniques you’ve ever learned from self-improvement courses. You used to work on completing individual experiences in your past, but now you just start throwing your entire life into the fire in large chunks. When that’s not enough, you climb in. Burn baby, burn.
You become consumed with a monomaniacal madness like Ahab chasing the white whale. You discard all of your ‘super powers’ you’ve worked so hard to develop and you flush your pearls of wisdom down the toilet and keep going… f* telekinesis, f* your third eye, and f* every insight you’ve ever had up until this point. It’s all worthless junk. It’s not Truth. Burn it all.
It’s one hell of a ride. You don’t even care if you live or die; all that matters is slaying your ‘white whale.’ The only question is… are you chasing your ‘white whale,” or pretending you’re on a cruise?
Time is running out. Tick, tock. Do you know where you really are? Do you still think you’re on a cruise ship? Don’t you see the jaws closing around your body? How long are you willing to live in illusion? What excuses will you make when those teeth start puncturing your arm? You’re not really being eaten by a whale; you’re just releasing past traumas… How many times are you going to repaint the image of that cruise ship when those sharp teeth start ripping through your skin?
Who would you be if you gave up control and allowed God/The Universe/Life to steer your life for once? What would it take for you to release the tiller and give up the fight that will never bear fruit?
Maybe you don’t need to slay that ‘white whale’ after all. Maybe all it takes is surrendering to the idea that your life is not your own, and observing where that takes you…
Perhaps.
Or not.
Either way, the clock is ticking…
Teeth are gnashing…
And you’re running out of paint…